I have no idea what I’m doing by Carol Simango

I like to kiss the sunset goodbye
before the sun sets
lest I miss it
because everything surpassed
is unattainable,
and regret is that
which I fear most.

I like to give
in ways that are unforgiving,
and ponder mercilessly
on what substance my being holds
because for my worth to blossom,
your validation
is what fuels me most.

I like to question you,
and question me,
and question the universe
when I am placed on an alter
and praised like I am the wonders of the world
because if anything,
distrust is what lays within me most.

I like to listen to you
as you speak ill of me.
you are a god
and the words you speak
guide me
because I am nothing
if I do not reconstruct myself
into the shape that pleasures you most.

I like to laugh –
not at you,
not at me,
but at this –
because I have no idea who i am
outside the forces of this place
that pull me asunder,
and I have no idea
what I am
doing.

My name is Carol Simango. I’m studying Bcom Finance at the University of Johannesburg. I was born in 2002 in Zimbabwe, Harare. I moved to South Africa in 2013.