I didn’t plan to wake up that morning.
Wake up to life, to earth and all its inhabitants.
But the warm kiss of the morning sun touched my cheeks
And told me to wake up from my deep sleep.
At first I thought that kiss was the kiss from the light of the other side welcoming my presence.
And that I had finally crossed over to the one place I longed to be in.
But all those thoughts got erased
By loud voices, pacing footsteps and beeping machines.
Then I heard a clear voice saying “her pulse is stable.”
At that moment everything dawned on me.
I did not want to open my eyes because I knew where I was,
Another damn hospital and another damn suicide fail.
I damn those sleeping pills for a job undone.
That was my fifth dying attempt with fail.
God forbid and God would not allow to hear another mother sing her sad cries
As she weeps for her dead child because yesterday
He had heard one too many and today would be one too many less to His ears.
The other four were executed on trying to jump of
Buildings and throwing myself at moving cars,
But somehow there was always a Good Samaritan who would show up
At the wrong place at the wrong time.
Trying to save a girl, who needed no saving?
So just like that I was handed over to psychologists on a bronze platter.
Who told me they could fix my mental health.
But I needed no fixing.
Nobody could undo the emotional abuse that ringed my mind.
Those “mommy, daddy” stop fighting cries that we prayed upon.
As they beat each to death with no care that we stood by and watched.
We tried asking help from the neighbours at 2am in the morning
And seek support from the wall to deliver us
But sometimes we became the sacrificial deliverance as we saved them from their own misery.
We were just kids and that was our life.
She told me she understands and was here to help.
But I did not need her help.
The pain that waved in my deadly mind had reached the surface of no return.
Seeking comfort in suicides, sharp objects and drugs
That took me so high up to cloud nine, but somehow cloud nine would never last.
It would take me back to conversations with God.
As I ask for a saving grace and the blade that I held in my hand, which was used to cut the flesh off of my body just to ease the pain from exceeding, became my only help.
On the last September moon.
I decided to stop living in my pain.
But find God in it and embrace Him
As I search for peace and happiness in Him.
Now that was my saving Grace.