The first Frost began many seasons ago
You belittled my win at a silly game
I wondered if you were truly upset
By such a triviality
A tiny shard of ice cooled the flame in my breast
And I began to be careful, not to win, too often
At anything
Walked on eggshells, tiptoed to dawn prayer
Loath to disturb, hearthurt at your refusal
To celebrate all of me
Yet I was culpable too: unable to comprehend
How the acme of generosity among friends
Could withhold oxygen from love at home
Shrivelled myself, to keep you yourself
Not the other self – that burning dry-ice one
I want to shelve
I deduce your dismay now that I speak
Albeit veiled in rhyme to protect me
Icecap against your wrath, chill harmattan
Reaches across the miles
Your silence scythes
Liquid nitrogen painting ulcers
In my gut
If WE truly mattered to you
(I’d hoped, dreams bound up in potential)
You’d reach out too, in honesty
Bravely reveal why you choose to return now
Abandoned by alternates you carefully held
(You always did covet more, eyeing the other aisle)
You’d care enough to sit with my pain
And yours, which I sense despite
Your denial
Perhaps we’d have cut through this wilderness
Resentment germinates frost-tipped weeds
Which flourish like fungi
Tangled in silence
Despite desolate seasons past we might yet
Have found Spring in Harvest-time
It was not nothing we had
But beautiful, a living longing loving
Benediction
That Summer blooming was the happiest of my life
Defying the odds, obsessed by joy
Compelled by one another’s shine
The sun entered into our souls
Which reflected radiance even after twilight
Like moons illuminating escape
From scary spaces
Your determined dumbness now
Shrieks for you, infers public betrayal
Even though so few really knew about us
That’s also how you prefer it, anyhow
Glaciated landscapes harden within
Silence ices over, stabs the fragile bud
Winter’s Final Touch
@ayeshakajee is a storyteller, poet and rights activist whose research on governance and democracy in many parts of sub-saharan Africa has been published in various media. Her research interests include post-conflict transformation, socio-economic renewal and gender and environmental rights. She writes because she can’t not.